Someone Like You-- by Adele / ASL tiffany currier

Ashland to Sacramento to Modesto: Ordination Train for Three Young Kings

It must have been the early part of the year 1970 when three young hipsters made the decision to become Universal Life Ministers. The three: Morley Hughes, Timothy Ewing, and myself, DanThomas; all of us about 20 years of age.

The 'becoming a minister' part of this unforgettable voyage had to have been Tim's idea, but it might've been Morleys. 

Tim and I were from Yakima via Seattle. We got a ride far to the south part of Oregon on I-5, almost to the border, just below Medford: the wonderfully charming town of Ashland, Oregon. Ashland is home to the famous Shakespeare Festival at the Angus Bowman Theater. Ashland, surrounded by the Siskiyous, antiquated houses on nearly all the streets. I have since awakened on bright cold crisp winter mornings, and hot summer days, breathing in fresh mountain air, and just knowing that even in  town there are countless enjoyable and stimulating walks i could go on, beneath Walnut trees, to the Angus Bowman Theater, through LIthia Park, or just on any given street. Our friend Morley, whom we had met when he was passing through Yakima in Washington State, awaited us here. Morley and I back then, in Yakima, had enjoyed playing dual guitars and singing alot of Dylan tunes, to me most memorable was "THE WEIGHT" and "LAY LADY LAY". Morley had already made Ashland somewhat his home by then. I'm thinking it was later when I saw him in Portland, it was so long ago my chronological memory might not be true.

Tim and I had a few friends from Yakima who were young actors in the Shakespeare Festival here in Ashland: Steve Boggess, Alan Fearon and a california friend of theirs, Steve. I forgot that Steve's last name but decades later I saw him on Wheel of Fortune winning about $15,000.00.

Two very pretty girls shared a small apartment right across the street from Lithia Park, designed by the same fellow who designed San Francisco's Golden Gate Park. Tim and I were lucky enough to end up staying with them. (Yes, ... and Yes).

The Vietnam war was raging still and young guys like us were seeking ways to avoid that messy thing. So this Universal life ordination idea took root in our minds and hearts. The home of the Universal Life Church was in Modesto, California, founded by the Rev. Kirby J. Hensley, the Baptist and Pentecostal preacher. Most folks of draft age who sought this free ordination into the Universal Life Church just sent him a request by mail. We were different. I'm pretty sure the riding the rails to transport us to Rev. Hensley's Church and then home idea came from Morley. We had Kirby J. Hensley's address in Modesto and got ready to go.

We each had a moderately sized pack stuffed with what we'd need, which wasn't much. The girls were sweet; they had made us snacks of celery stalks and peanut butter. we were set. 

Morley had more experience at this already. He knew what we had to do. Firstly, avoid the railroad boys.

We set out at night, just walking down to the freight yard. This turned out to be a walk in the park. No one was around and there was a  roofed and wide open freight car loaded half full of fresh cut lumber. I swear to God the photograph above of the ashland rail yards looks like the exact place we climbed aboard! we pulled ourselves up and in and we all took a deep breath, especially Tim and I. This was going to be new for both of us. And perhaps for Morley as I don't think he had ever gone as far as our planned adventure was about to catapult us.

Somehow we knew this was the California bound freight, but when it was going to leave we didn't know. I think we dove into the celery and peanut butter early on. so we began to wait, while anticipatory thought-dreams careened through our young long-haired skulls. Undoubtedly there was herbal assistance.

Then it moved! Yah!... throwing me off balance a bit. might've been the jolt of the train linking up with another set of cars or just moving, I'm not sure which. But we were moving. 

It's difficult to recall specifics, but it seems the train went quite slowly for the longest time. I began to size up other things that might or might not happen. What if they shut the door?! What if a killer hops onto our car?! Then I got to the 'Que Sera Sera' end of that thought. Looked like we'd have a wide vista to see the passing scenery through, the huge freight car door wide open. We spread out our sleeping bags on top of the lumber trying both to find a relatively flat area and trying to avoid getting slivers as we did so. Thus began our Great Adventure,  which ended up being over 24 hours, and maybe more like 48. a journey so many older and less spoiled men had taken routinely to get from place to place through decades, through the depression.. and for some, a lifestyle, by choice or not. Such are the fates of us diverse individuals both then and now in the United States of America and through time. Soon the perpetual vibration and the overwhelming volume of the roaring of these enormous steel boxes and the gears and huge steel wheels carrying same, a marvelous iron snake rumbling into the night. That as well as the occasionally shifting lumber, commanded us into acceptance. we tried to shout to each other but not for long. we all then wore involuntary glowing and wry grins when we acknowledged that for the length of our voyage we were without an audible language, for none of us then knew American Sign Language. We would be essentially as three deaf young men for the duration. we were moving. Our journey had begun! Like three Hobbits on a mission.

I know I had possibly been to california once by then, on another youthful adventure or two; I'm not sure of Tim. I'm pretty sure Morley had been to Cali.

The cool night air flew in on it's own schedule. We all wondered if we were missing the  spectacular sight of Mount Shasta through the other, closed,  door. We did have a crack or a hole in the metal siding wall onto peek through on the East Side. Our open "window" was on the West. 

The thump-thump-thumping and monsterous white noise of the entire long metal serpent continued like a completely present earthquake that would not let up. On it went as we made our private adjustments to our 'condition', and poised ourselves to enjoy the whole thing, complete with all it's encumbrances.

At night once, many hours later, Morley nudged me and nodded towards a lower level of lumber on the open door side, just inside the sliding door. We had company in this moving world, undoubtedly one already at home at riding the rods. it was dark and I could barely make him out, but there he was. As we struggled to perform a rendition of sleeping, that guy never acknowledged us. Several hours later, he was gone, but we were puzzled where he might've moved to, because the train, by now going maybe 70 MPH or more, had not perceivably slowed at any time. I wondered if he'd been thrown off, but then I figured he knew how to move around on a moving train. He was not where he had been, in any case.  Perhaps he was a ghost.

I know I dreamed. Some nightmarish, but on awakening and remembering where I was and that gave me a form of reassurance.

I do remember, I believe the next afternoon, a nice hot sunny blue sky day, the opposite of our previous night, rounding a lake, perhaps Lake Shasta, and watching people putting about in their own rented houseboats as if they were on television. Looked like something I might like to do someday.

Nice day, lazily trolling the lake, no worries, Ah!

I'll add more soon... there's no real climax but good memories...as we were off to see the 'wizard' Kirby J. Hensley.

 coming: the Orange stop and the caboosemen. jumping off @ probably 30 MPH or more! sleeping beneath that beautiful tree near 

sacramento. did we find a Denny's or something? hitching to Rev. Hensley's Church, and then to his messy home..(because he had his wife and daughter attending to paperwork at the church, as we had seen)....no recall of the trip back..have to work on it! may SF?

AMERICAN DREAM..

This is good. thanks to Bryan. I'm putting it on both my blogs:

Secret Anniversaries of the Heart

  Secret Anniversaries Of The Heart:
The holiest of all holidays are those
Kept by ourselves in silence and apart;
The secret anniversaries of the heart.

Look to right -link to my cafepress site where you can

buy this image on cups shirts etc.

The Diner Cooks War Story

Image Source:

http://www.relocatinginformation.com/cities/Oregon/ashlandOr.html
________________________________________________________________________________________
THE DINER COOK'S WAR STORY

IT WAS 1969, AND A FINE SUMMER TO BE YOUNG AND TRUTHFULLY FOOTLOOSE IN A SMALL BUT FLAGRANTLY ECLECTIC TOWN LIKE ASHLAND. MORLEY HUGHES, MY COMPATRIOT, WHO WAS MORE OF AN OREGONIAN THAN I DID WHAT MOST OF US LONGHAIRS DID MOST AFTERNOONS: HAVING COFFEE AND JUST BULLSHITTING. THAT'S AN ACTUAL TERM.
ONE AFTERNOON WE PARKED OURSELVES IN A SMALL DINER THAT WE USUALLY DID NOT GO TO, OPTING USUALLY FOR THE BETTER COFFEE IN A PLACE CLOSER TO THE ANGUS BOWMAN THEATER WHERE THE ACTORS HUNG OUT FAIRLY OFTEN. I RECALL AN OFF DUTY ACTOR WHO I KNEW PLAYED MACBETH WHO'S ROAR, " WENCH!! ANOTHER FLAGON OF COFFEE!!" IN HIS STAGE VOICE, RESOUNDED THROUGH THE PLASTER WALLS.

BUT THIS PARTICULAR AFTERNOON WE TRIED THIS LITTLE DINER ON THE MAIN DRAG THROUGH TOWN.

THE FELLOW SERVING US, WEARING SOME AGE, WAS A FRIENDLY BUT MEASURED SOUL. I STILL DON'T KNOW EXACTLY HOW WE ENDED UP TALKING ABOUT WORLD WAR II. THE POINT IS WE DID.


AS WE ALL THREE CHATTED, THE FEELING THAT WE ALL SUSPECTED THAT WE ALL MIGHT BE MORE INTERESTING THAN WHAT MET THE EYE SEEMED TO GROW.
IN HERE SOMEWHERE WORLD WAR II CAME UP. I PUT IN ABOUT WHAT I REMEMBER ABOUT MY DAD TOLD ME OF HIS EXPLOITS IN THE PACIFIC AS A EHAD RADIOMAN ON A TROOP CARRIER. HE'D BEEN IN CHARGE OF 58 OTHER RADIO GUYS. THE SHIP HE WAS IN WAS THE ONE THE ADMIRAL HAD CHOSEN TO CALL HIS BASE.

IN THE BALANCED GIVE AND TAKE OF NORMAL CONVERSATION , THIS DINER COOK THEN PAUSED POIGNANTLY, AND BEGAN TO TELL OF HIS OWN PERSONAL EXPERIENCE IN THE PACIFIC.

" I WAS THERE, FELLAS." AN INVOLUNTARY SAD AFFECT FELL UPON HIM AS HE CONTINUED.
" ONE BATTLE I WAS IN LEFT ME A MEMORY I CAN'T WIPE AWAY, GUYS. I WISH I COULD.
"DURING A FIERCE BATTLE, SUDDENLY WE WERE ALL BEING FIRED UPON BY HEAVY ARTILLERY, PEOPLE DYING INSTANTLY ALL AROUND ME. EXPLOSIONS EVERYWHERE YOU LOOKED... AND BLOOD. JAPS 'N THE AMERICANS ALL RAN FOR COVER IN THE SMOKE AND FIREY EXPLOSIONS. SOMEONE'S SIDE MADE A BAD CALL ON THE DISTANCE FOR THE LONG GUNS.

" IN ALL THE RED AND WHITE FLASHES ALL AROUND ME AND THE EARTHQUAKE UNDERNEATH MY FEET AND THE EXPLOSIONS THAT BLOCKED OUT MY HEARING AND EACH HIT MADE ME THINK THAT I'D BEEN SHOT. THE SHOCK GOES RIGHT INTO YOUR BONES. I WAS AFRAID. MY FEET WERE SHAKING UNDER ME, I REMEMBER. I WAS LUCKY... YEAH..ENOUGH TO FIND A FOX HOLE TO DIVE INTO...AND I MEAN DIVE INTO. PROBLEM WAS, A JAPANESE HAD FOUND THE SAME HOLE JUST BEFORE ME." HIS EYES WIDENED AS HE SPOKE, GAZING OUT THROUGH THE DINER WINDOW PANE ONTO MAIN STREET.

 HE CONTINUED, "BOTH OF US PANICKED ON TOP OF PANIC. WE EACH STRUGGLED WITH OUR LONG BAYONETTED RIFLES, MY SPRINGFIELD THIRTY-AUGHT-SIX AND HIS ARISAKA. WE BOTH DID IT OUT OF OUR TRAINING, BUT WE DIDN'T KILL EACH OTHER.

" TIME SEEMED TO STOP, EACH OF US KNOWING WE COULD BE ALREADY DEAD. AS THE SHARP POINTS OF OUR BAYONETTES WERE AIMED THREATENINGLY AT EACH OTHER, AND BOTH OUR CRYING TEARFUL FACES, COVERED WITH MUD AND BLOOD, THROUGH OUR UTTER  FEAR, TRIED TO PUT ON 'WAR FACES'..SOMETHING HAPPENED."

THROUGH THE YEARS, AS THE DINER COOK TOLD HIS TALE, HIS STORY BROUGHT NEW TEARS TO HIS EYE. HE TRIED TO IGNORE IT AND MORLEY AND I IGNORED IT, TOO, OUT OF RESPECT. HE WASN'T FINISHED. IT WAS APPARENT THE TRUE STORY WAS JUST UNFOLDING.

"YOU DON'T HAVE ALOT OF TIME TO PROCESS INFORMATION IN A SITUATION LIKE THAT. BUT WHAT SEEMED TO HAPPEN HAPPENED TO BOTH OF US. BOTH OF US, SHAKING FOR FEAR AND THE WEIGHT OF OUR HEAVY RIFLES, IN ONE MOMENT I CAN'T FORGET... RIGHT THEN ... WE BECAME JUST TWO MEN. TWO HUMAN BEINGS IN THE SAME SITUATION.
" WE WERE BOTH FROZEN. AS WE FOUGHT TO MAKE SENSE OF EVERYTHING THROUGH OUR PARALYZING FEAR, OUR EYES... MAYBE MORE LIKE OUR SOULS...THROUGH OUR EYES ..MET. IT WAS LIKE WE SUDDENLY REALIZED THAT
WE TWO... KOJI SHIMAMURA FROM OSAKA AND ME, FRED ROBERTS FROM MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA.. WERE BROTHERS... NO OFFENSE MEANT BUT WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS NOT BROTHERS LIKE YOUR GENERATION IS USING THE WORD, ALTHOUGH IT IS THE SAME IN SOME WAYS... THE MEANING OF THAT WORD, TO THE BOTH OF US THEN, WAS ... YOU COULD FEEL IT.. IT WAS HERE NOW AND ABSOLUTE...AND IT WAS ALL THERE WAS. WE BOTH KNEW THAT WITHOUT WORDS, AND THAT IT MIGHT ANY SECOND BE THE LAST THOUGHT EITHER OF US MIGHT HAVE...
"IF I TAKE ALOT OF WORDS TO DESCRIBE THIS, IT'S JUST THAT... IT'S JUST THAT THAT MOMENT LEFT IT'S MARK ON ME AND..WELL, I GUESS NO WORDS CAN RECREATE IT..
"..OK, BOYS, WANT A REFILL? HERE YOU GO."

FRED LIFTED THE YUBAN TEMPERED GLASS CARAFE FROM THE HOT PLATE AND FILLED OUR COFFEE CUPS, TRYING TO GAIN HIS COMPOSURE, TRYING TO REMIND HIMSELF HIS TALE WAS IN THE PAST, AS HE CONTINUED. THE AFTERNOON SUN WAFTED OVER THE WESTERLY 3 STORY BUILDING AND THROUGH THE MAPLE LEAVES OUTSIDE.

"...SO THERE WE WERE..." HE REPLACED THE CARAFE.
MORLEY AND I HARDLY REMEMBERED THE COFFEE, WE WERE SO ENTHRALLED.

HE WENT ON, "I BET YOU GUYS ARE WONDERING IF I JUST MADE UP THAT NAME FOR KOJI TO MAKE THE STORY SEEM MORE REAL. I DIDN'T THAT WAS HIS REAL NAME. EVEN THOUGH I ONLY KNEW HIM FOR A COUPLE HOURS."

"AS WE SAT THERE AIMING OUR GUNS AT EACH OTHER IN ALL THAT NOISE AND LIGHT AND FLYING DIRT AND ROCK AND SHAKING... WE WERE SIZING EACH OTHER UP. I CAN'T SAY HOW IT HAPPENED BUT OUR EYES... LOCKED ONTO EACH OTHER, AFRAID THE OTHER ONE MIGHT REALLY PULL THE TRIGGER.. SLOWLY, VERY GRADUALLY BEGAN TO SOFTEN. EVERYTHING I ALREADY TOLD YOU HAPPENED, BUT IT'S LIKE IT TOOK US BOTH AWHILE TO REALIZE ..FULLY.. THAT THIS WAS REALLY HAPPENING." FRED ROBERTS TOOK A BIG BREATH TO PULL HIMSELF TOGETHER.

"I REMEMBER IT WAS KOJI WHO GOT MORE CONTROL OF HIMSELF BEFORE I DID. AFTER ABOUT THE FIRST TWENTY MINUTES, IT'S HARD TO KNOW HOW LONG IN ALL THAT, BUT IT'S MY GUESS TWENTY MINUTES. MIGHTA BEEN LONGER...KOJI, HIS INTENSE STARE FIXED LIKE IRON ON MY OWN TWO BEADY EYES GLARING BACK,... I'LL NEVER FORGET, IN THAT MOMENT HE SLIGHTLY BOWED HIS HEAD TOWARDS ME..VERY SLOWLY. NOW THAT I THINK OF IT, IT'S KINDA LIKE TWO KARATE OR JUDO GUYS BOW AT THE END OF A MATCH. OUT OF RESPECT.

" AS HE DID THAT HE VERY CAUTIOUSLY, EVEN AS I GRIPPED MY SPRINGFIELD AND IT'S THREATENINGLY POINTED BAYONETTE, BEGAN TO MOVE HIS ARISAKA RIFLE'S BAYONETTE LOWER, AWAY FROM ME. WAS HE TRYING TO FOOL ME? I KEPT MINE ON HIM, BUT IN THE STARE WE SHARED WE WERE GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER. YOU KNOW WHAT THE WORD GUILE MEANS? IT MEANS TO BE DECEITFUL. CRAFTY. MANIPULATIVE, I GUESS. IF YOU'VE BEEN ALIVE VERY LONG, YOU DEVELOP YOUR OWN SENSE OF IT.
"BUT THERE'S ANOTHER WORD, IN IT'S OWN RIGHT. GUILELESS.  IN THIS WORLD YOU DON'T ALWAYS RUN INTO THAT ONE, BUT WHEN YOU DO RUN INTO A TRULY GUILELESS INDIVIDUAL, YOU KNOW IT. FINALLY... MAN WAS I SCARED TO TRUST THAT MAN!.. THERE'S A THIRD WORD IN IT'S OWN STANDING: BEGUILE. MEANING TO CHARM SOMEONE...BEGUILING..ETCETERA..
"WE'D BEEN TAUGHT IN BASIC TRAINING THAT THE ENEMY WILL USE ANYTHING TO FOOL YOU, SO .. IT WAS WITH ...I WANNA SAY PROFOUND ...TO MAKE YOU FEEL IT.  IT WAS WITH PROFOUND .. WELL, JUST FEAR, THAT I DECIDED TO TRUST HIM. BOYS, THIS WAS THE LONGEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE!" I SOUNDED LIKE A PLEA.
"..YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE THIS, BUT IN ALL THESE YEARS. I DON'T KNOW WHY, BUT THIS IS ONLY THE SECOND TIME I'VE EVER TOLD THIS STORY. THE FIRST TIME WAS TO MY WIFE, GOD BLESS HER SOUL.
"SO, AS I WAS SAYING, I FINALLY LOWERED MY WEAPON. I WAS STILL ON GUARD, DAMNED RIGHT! BUT ALSO IN TOTAL FEAR. I GUESS I MADE THAT CLEAR BY NOW, HE-HE.
"THE JAPANESE SOLDIER PUT HIS RIFLE COMPLETELY DOWN ONTO THE GROUND AND, HIS GAZE NEVER LEAVING MY OWN, AND VICE VERSA, HE MADE HIS HAND LOOK CALM AS HE REMOVED IT FROM THE RIFLE. AFTER A LONG MOMENT, THROUGH HIS DIRTY AND BLOOD TINGED FACE, AN EXPRESSION OF RESOLVE COME UPON HIM. HE SLOWLY WITH FINGERTIPS TOOK OUT HIS PISTOL AND LAID IT NEST TO THE ARISAKA.
"I JUST WATCHED HIM, WHILE THE SHRAPNEL FLEW AROUND US..AND THE NOISE.., THEN I PUT MY SPRINGFIELD ON THE GROUND POINTING AWAY FROM THE JAPANESE. I, TOO, AS HE WATCHED WITH HEAD SLIGHTLY BOWED, REMOVED MY MILITARY .45 FROM IT'S HOLSTER AND PUT IT FAR AWAY FROM ME.
"....BOYS? THIS IS REALLY WHERE I WANTED TO CRY.. I DID CRY A BIT EVEN THEN.. I...WILL...NEVER..FORGET WHAT KOJI DID NEXT. AS HE KEPT LOOKING AT ME A SMILE.. NOT AN ENEMIES SMILE, NOT LIKE HE HAD ANOTHER ACE UP HIS SLEEVE... BUT AN ACKNOWLEDGEMENT.. AN EXTENSION OF TRUST.. I GUESS IT WAS LIKE, 'HELLO.', .BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT HE SAID NEXT. 'HELLO'.  THEN AFTER A LONG PAUSE, HE SAID,' I KOJI SHIMAMURA'. HE SPOKE ENGLISH! GO FIGURE!...TURNS OUT HE HAD GONE TO A UNIVERSITY IN THE UNITED STATES BEFORE THE WAR.
"OF COURSE BY THEN SOME OF THE VOLUME OF THE ARTILLERY HAD ABATED FOR AWHILE. WE GOT TO KNOW EACH OTHER.
"WHAT HAPPENED WAS WE BOTH REALIZED THIS MOMENT WAS OURS, AND OURS ALONE. NO SUPERIOR OFFICERS TO ENSURE WE EMBRACED THE BELIEFS AND POINTS OF VIEW OF EACH OF OUR COUNTRIES TIL THE MOMENT OF DEATH. AFTER ALL, IN THIS MOMENT, WHAT WOULD IT BENEFIT THE WAR FOR ME TO KILL KOJI OR HIM TO KILL ME.
"I TOLD HIM ABOUT GLADYS, MY GIRL BACK HOME, WHO I MARRIED WHEN I GOT BACK. TOLD HIM ABOUT FISHING TRIPS AND MY GROWING UP ON A FARM. HE TOLD ME ABOUT HIS WIFE, NOZOMI, AND THEIR FIVE CHILDREN. YOU COULD TELL HE LOVED HER MORE THAN LIFE. HE HAD NO PROBLEM LETTING SOME TEARS OUT AS HE SPOKE OF HER AND HIS KIDS, BUT HIS ACTUAL FACIAL EXPRESSION REMAINED STOIC. TEARS COME TO HIM BUT THEY DON'T RULE.
"HE HAD A REAL LOVE OF PHOTOGRAPHY.." FRED STOPPED THEN, SUDDENLY TURNING TOWARDS THE MIRROR BEHIND THE COFFEE POT, AWAY FORM OUR FACES. AN UNCONTROLLABLE FEW SOBS GRIPPED FRED. MORLEY AND I GLANCED AT EACH OTHER SOBERLY. FRED TURNED BACK TO US AND CONTINUED.
"SORRY, GUYS!" HE SAID SHORTLY, ENDING THE WORD 'SHORTLY' ABRUPTLY, NOT GET  A BREATH AND PUSH BACK SOME MORE TEARS.
"IT'S THE WORD 'PHOTOGRAPHY'... MADE ME THINK OF WHAT HAPPENED AFTER OUR GETTING ACQUAINTED. WHAT HAPPENED..", FRED GULPED BACK EMOTIONS," WAS THAT MY NEW FRIEND OF TWO HOURS AMIDST ALL THE EXPLOSIONS, KOJI, RECOGNIZING MY OWN MAYBE AMERICAN NAIVETE, AND ALSO RECOGNIZING THAT OUR SITUATION WOULD NOT ENDURE LONG BEFORE WE HAD TO RETURN. I MEAN, RETURN TO WHAT AND WHO WE WERE. WERE. ARE. I DON'T KNOW.
"KOJI PULLED A PHOTOGRAPH OF HIS WIFE AND CHILDREN OUT OF HIS HELMET WITH A PREWRITTEN LETTER TO THEM IN CASE OF HIS DEATH WITH THE ADDRESS AND EVERYTHING, READY TO GO.."
FRED SMILED AS HE LOOKED BEYOND THE MAPLE TREE OUTSIDE AND WATCHED THE MOUNTAINS IN BACK OF ASHLAND THROUGH THE GLASS AND TRAFFIC ON MAIN STREET PUTTED ON, BUT IT WAS NOT CLEAR IF HE WAS SMILING ON THE INSIDE.
MORLEY AND I TOOK A SIP TO ALLOW HIM A MOMENT OF REVERIE, THEN I ASKED FRED, "WHAT HAPPENED NEXT, FRED?"
CALMLY NOW, FRED SAID TO US BOTH, " BOYS. I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR .. FOR LETTING ME GO ON.. LIKE I SAID BEFORE, IT'S ONLY THE SECOND TIME..."
MORLEY AND I NODDED.
"KOJI SAID, 'FRED. IN THE JAPANESE ARMY WE ARE TRAINED TO HAVE NO MERCY. IT IS INSTILLED IN US FROM THE BEGINNING. ABSOLUTE. KILL THE ENEMY! BECAUSE OF THIS..I WANT YOU TO DO SOMETHING FOR ME, FRED."
I WAS TRAINED TOO, BUT I BEGAN TO GET WHAT HE WAS SAYING AS HE WENT ON. 'FRED,' HE SAID,'TAKE THIS PHOTOGRAPH AND LETTER.' HE HANDED THEM TOWARDS ME, AND I PAUSED BEFORE MY HANDS REACTED AND GENTLY TOOK THE ITEMS FROM KOJI'S HAND.' FRED. I WILL BE FOREVER GRATEFUL TO YOU IF YOU WOULD TAKE THE PICTURE AND LETTER TO MY WIFE AND CHILDREN AFTER THE WAR IS OVER, MY FRIEND.' I COULD ONLY NOD, AS I REMEMBER. THEN I PLACED THEM INSIDE MY OWN HELMET LINER'S NETTING UNDER THE STEEL HELMET. I SENSED KOJI WASN'T FINISHED. IT WAS A FEAR HE WASN'T FINISHED, AND I WAS RIGHT.
'FRED, MY ..BROTHER..' KOJI'S STRONG EXTERNAL DEMEANOR MOMENTARILY FAULTERED AS HE, HIMSELF, FOUGHT BACK HIS OWN GRIEF AT THE WORDS THAT EVENTUALLY ESCAPED HIS DRY DUSTY LIPS. 'FRED. YOU HAVE TO SHOOT ME. BECAUSE IF YOU DO NOT, AS I AM TRAINED MORE THAN YOU TO SHOW NO MERCY, I MUST KILL YOU. ALTHOUGH WE ARE BONDED BY THIS UNBELIEVABLE SITUATION WE'VE BEEN THROWN INTO, I WILL. YOU MAY NOT UNDERSTAND. BUT I WANT YOU TO DO THIS. IT WILL BE HONORABLE. MY FAMILY WILL BE PROUD. '"
FRED STOPPED FOR A MOMENT. " BOYS..." HE GASPED FOR AIR A BIT AND HIS EYES GOT WIDE," I CAN'T BELIEVE I'VE TOLD YOU THIS MUCH..
" KOJI TOLD ME,' THE TIME IS ALMOST UPON US, AS THE FIRING IS WANING. LET ME TELL YOU WHAT TO DO.'
"I JUST SAT THERE AS THIS JAPANESE MAN, A BIT OLDER THAN MYSLEF, I'D BECOME FRIENDS WITH, SPOKE TO ME. IT WAS A DREAM. I'LL TELL YOU, IT'S A DREAM THAT I HAVE EVERY NIGHT. FOR YEARS." AGAIN, FRED  BREATHED A LONG SIGH, THEN WENT ON.
"KOJI ... HE TOLD ME,'PICK UP YOUR RIFLE, FRED.' I DID. BOYS THERE'S NO SENSE IN ME TELLING YOU THE REST, BUT MY RESPECT FOR HIM..AND I GUESS NOT WANTING TO GET KILLED MYSELF. I JUST REMEMBER BEING LIKE A ROBOT, DOING WHAT KOJI SAID FOR ME TO DO. A DREAM. LIKE FOLLOWING DIRECTIONS FOR PUTTING TOGETHER A TOY TRAINSET. "SLOT A INTO POCKET B.."
OUR COFFEE WAS COLD BY NOW, AND FRED, NOTICING, GOT US FRESH HOT CUPS WITHOUT ASKING. MORLEY AND I COULD ONLY SIT THERE AS AN OTHER THAN USUAL AFTERNOON SUNSET RAY GLIMMERED OFF THE DUST IN THE DINER'S AIR BY MY LEFT ARM. FRED LEANED AGAINST THE BACK COUNTER TABLE  LIGHTLY AND JUST GAZED OUT THE WINDOW ADOPTING AN EVEN EXPRESSION, BACK TO HERE AND NOW. AWAY FROM THE PAIN.
I BROKE THE SILENCE.
CAUTIOUSLY. I WAS UNSURE IF I WAS OUT OF LINE. BUT I WANTED TO KNOW, AND I THINK MORLEY DID TOO.
"FRED," I SAID. " UM... DID YOU GO TO JAPAN TO DELIVER THE PICTURE AND LETTER KOJI GAVE YOU?"
I GUESS HE MUST HAVE KNOWN WE MIGHT ASK THAT QUESTION, BUT AS THE WORDS LEFT MY MOUTH I REGRET HAVING ASKED IT. EVEN SO I THINK FRED MUST HAVE NEEDED TO GET IT OFF HIS CHEST.
"NO, BOYS. I NEVER COULD FIND THE GUTS TO GO THERE. I COULDN'T FACE HIS WIFE. I KILLED HER HUSBAND! AFTER I TOLD GLADYS THIS STORY I THOUGHT I HAD ..RESOLVED IT, I GUESS. I EVEN REMEMBER ABOUT TWENTY YEARS AGO..IN THE FIFTIES, AFTER I TALKED TO GLAD ABOUT IT, I THREW THE PICTURE AND THE LETTER INTO THE FIREPLACE. BURNED 'EM UP!" HE SAID, LIKE FINISHING UP A DISTASTEFUL JOB, AND READY TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT. LIKE BURYING SOMEONE.
TRYING TO BRING THE STORY TO A SOMEWHAT CONGENIAL END, FOR US AND FOR HIMSELF, HE SAID, "I GUESS... I GUESS I DID HALF OF WHAT KOJI WANTED. THAT'S BETTER THAN NOTHING, AND ALL I ...ALL I COULD MANAGE TO DO. STILL.."

MORLEY SAID, " MAN, THANKS FOR SHARING THAT. HEAVY....HEAVY..I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY." THERE WAS SOME MORE QUIETNESS BEFORE WE LEFT FRED'S PLACE.

FRED WAS SMILING CALMLY AS WE GOT UP TO LEAVE. SOME KIND OF WEIGHT HAD LIFTED OFF HIM. SOME, BUT NOT THE WHOLE WEIGHT.

I GUESS AT THE END OF A HARD JOB, A JOB YOU REALLY CAN'T FINISH, AN IMPORTANT JOB.. THAT WHICH GOES UNDONE CAN'T BE CHANGED. AND WE LIVE WITH OUR DECISIONS.

IN THE SHAPE OF A HEART (Jackson Browne)